Monday, May 5, 2014

Day 740: Emotional Eating, Depression, and Anxiety

Time to lay it all out there. Please bear with me if my thoughts are scattered and I ramble a lot...

I thought I would be back in the swing of having a steady workout routine again by now, but it's been quite the opposite. I lack sleep, I haven't worked out in about three weeks, and I'm eating nothing but junk. And guess what? I've gained more weight. Surprise, surprise. I'm starting to feel like this journey to tinier pants is more like the journey to fail pants...

The last time I wrote a blog entry, I did well for a week. I walked 2.5 miles almost every day during work, and I ate better during that week, but it didn't stick because I got "too busy." I used work and event planning as an excuse to not exercise or go grocery shopping. I haven't been to the grocery store in almost three weeks, so that means I've been buying drive thru garbage like Chick-Fil-A, Schlotzky's pizza, Churches Chicken, Hamburger Depot... AND I've been eating FREE barbecue and all the trimmings with desserts from work. Our church's spring fiesta was this past weekend, so that meant more barbecue. AND I hosted a couple's shower and attended another couple's shower this past Saturday, so guess what...MORE FOOD plus the stress of event planning.

I currently weigh 145 pounds. That's only five pounds below the original weight I was when I started this Journey to Tinier Pants back in April of 2012. It took me seven months to lose 17 pounds, and it took me two years to gain most of it back, but it seems like it came back overnight.

I had six sugar cookies for supper last night, and I ate five more this morning for breakfast. Tonight, while I devoured a fried chicken combo meal from Churches Chicken, I literally felt a sense of relief while I bit into a buttery honey biscuit. It was like all my problems were gone with the bite of this stupid baked piece of flour, sugar, and butter. I am completely disgusted with myself...

I DON'T WANT TO RELY ON BAD FOOD TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY PROBLEMS.

I'm stronger and smarter than that!!!!!!

I hate how good these made me feel for 10 minutes.

Obviously, there are underlying issues here. I'm super stressed, and food has been my go-to comfort for the past several months. Thankfully, I have a counselor appointment tomorrow. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I've had very low self-esteem for the majority of my life. A lot of people are surprised to learn this because they tell me I am relatively happy-go-lucky and outgoing, and I know I've been extremely blessed to have it pretty easy in comparison to many others, but it's there, and it can be utterly paralyzing. I've held myself back from too many amazing opportunities because I have a hard time believing in myself. It's gotten better, but it's still there. It's probably going to be a constant battle for me for all my life, and right now, I feel like the anxiety is winning. For now I'm down, but I'm not out.

I KNOW that eating right and exercising were/are the best things I've ever done to control my depression and anxiety, so why am I sabotaging myself by avoiding working out? Why am I so afraid of working toward succeeding? When I think of how I'm failing at this weight loss journey, it just reminds me of ALL the things I've ever failed at or never finished, and it forces me into thinking that I'm not good enough at anything. I often find myself feeling like a disappointment as a daughter, a bad friend, a no-talent designer who doesn't deserve that title, and just selfish or below average and mediocre at everything I do no matter how many compliments I receive. There are people in my life who rely too much on me emotionally, and it can feel like the weight of THEIR world is on my shoulders. I'm just feeling severely overwhelmed right now, and there are only very few things that are keeping me going...

I can only hope and work toward thinking that today is the beginning of another turning point. I joined Planet Fitness since they just opened a new location just a few minutes away from my apartment complex. My friends Liz and Alisa joined with me as well, so I'm hoping to have some workout buddies on occasion, BUT I know that I cannot rely on both of them to go and get my workouts in. I don't want to waste my money on an unused gym membership, so I MUST MAKE TIME TO GO.

I'm so tired of failing over and over again. My poor body feels terrible because I haven't been feeding it properly. I just want my clothes to fit again. I want my stomach not to go out further than my boobs at the end of the day. Why can't I just get off my ass and DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE? I just feel so stuck, and I'm the only person keeping me from getting anywhere..........