Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Day 741: One Day at a Time

I decided that I need to get back to doing the best thing that worked for me to shed the pounds the first time by reporting my intake and physical activity daily on this blog. It was and is the most effective way to hold myself accountable for my progress.

I haven't been grocery shopping in almost three weeks, so I ended up eating some wheat crisps I bought for Jud and Frankie's shower over the weekend for breakfast. Not the best choice, but it's all I had with me.

Serving size = 17 crackers.

I got a salad from the little restaurant on the first floor of my office building for lunch.

I snacked on some strawberry Activia a little later.

Like I mentioned yesterday, I had a counselor appointment after work, and I'm thankful I went. 98% of the time, I feel relieved when I leave his office. He has helped me learn how to think through so many of my issues in constructive and cognitive ways that have helped me progress from the terrified girl I used to be. Granted, I still have quite a way to go, but when I focus on how far I've come, I can't help but be happy about that. 

When we discussed my weight gain, I learned a bit about him as well. My counselor used to be very overweight when he was in his mid 30 - mid 40s, but he was able to lose the weight and keep it off by completely giving up fast food and excessive carbohydrates. He said it was some of the best decisions he ever made. 

We did a mental exercise that made me focus on how amazing I felt when I was working out daily and eating healthier a year and a half ago. He told me to try to keep those good feelings in mind when I'm feeling down to remind myself that I'm perfectly capable of accomplishing the healthy success again because I've already done it. So here I am... :)

After my appointment, I ventured to the grocery store on an empty stomach, which I know is a dangerous thing to do, so I stopped at the Starbucks inside the store to order a tall non-fat white chocolate mocha. While it wasn't the best choice, it kept me from going crazy and buying a bunch more junk food I don't need to be putting in my body. 

When I finally got home, I ate some of the organic rotisserie chicken that I bought with some organic whole grain mac and cheese with a bunch of baby spinach. 

I didn't do much physical activity today, though. I danced around my apartment to a couple of songs, and bringing the groceries up three flights of stairs is always a good, tiring workout, but nothing major. I intend to change this tomorrow, but I NEED to begin work on a freelance project tomorrow evening. Perhaps I shall walk during my lunch break. We shall see. I must make time.

I'd like to thank everyone who is still following this journey and show how much I appreciate knowing that some of y'all still believe in me. I've received many comments, messages, and even a heartfelt phone call from friends full of nothing but words of support and encouragement since my previous post of emotional vomit. I can't thank you guys enough. I'm very blessed to know all of you, and I hope you all know that. 

Time for bed. Here's to another day, :) 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Day 740: Emotional Eating, Depression, and Anxiety

Time to lay it all out there. Please bear with me if my thoughts are scattered and I ramble a lot...

I thought I would be back in the swing of having a steady workout routine again by now, but it's been quite the opposite. I lack sleep, I haven't worked out in about three weeks, and I'm eating nothing but junk. And guess what? I've gained more weight. Surprise, surprise. I'm starting to feel like this journey to tinier pants is more like the journey to fail pants...

The last time I wrote a blog entry, I did well for a week. I walked 2.5 miles almost every day during work, and I ate better during that week, but it didn't stick because I got "too busy." I used work and event planning as an excuse to not exercise or go grocery shopping. I haven't been to the grocery store in almost three weeks, so that means I've been buying drive thru garbage like Chick-Fil-A, Schlotzky's pizza, Churches Chicken, Hamburger Depot... AND I've been eating FREE barbecue and all the trimmings with desserts from work. Our church's spring fiesta was this past weekend, so that meant more barbecue. AND I hosted a couple's shower and attended another couple's shower this past Saturday, so guess what...MORE FOOD plus the stress of event planning.

I currently weigh 145 pounds. That's only five pounds below the original weight I was when I started this Journey to Tinier Pants back in April of 2012. It took me seven months to lose 17 pounds, and it took me two years to gain most of it back, but it seems like it came back overnight.

I had six sugar cookies for supper last night, and I ate five more this morning for breakfast. Tonight, while I devoured a fried chicken combo meal from Churches Chicken, I literally felt a sense of relief while I bit into a buttery honey biscuit. It was like all my problems were gone with the bite of this stupid baked piece of flour, sugar, and butter. I am completely disgusted with myself...


I'm stronger and smarter than that!!!!!!

I hate how good these made me feel for 10 minutes.

Obviously, there are underlying issues here. I'm super stressed, and food has been my go-to comfort for the past several months. Thankfully, I have a counselor appointment tomorrow. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I've had very low self-esteem for the majority of my life. A lot of people are surprised to learn this because they tell me I am relatively happy-go-lucky and outgoing, and I know I've been extremely blessed to have it pretty easy in comparison to many others, but it's there, and it can be utterly paralyzing. I've held myself back from too many amazing opportunities because I have a hard time believing in myself. It's gotten better, but it's still there. It's probably going to be a constant battle for me for all my life, and right now, I feel like the anxiety is winning. For now I'm down, but I'm not out.

I KNOW that eating right and exercising were/are the best things I've ever done to control my depression and anxiety, so why am I sabotaging myself by avoiding working out? Why am I so afraid of working toward succeeding? When I think of how I'm failing at this weight loss journey, it just reminds me of ALL the things I've ever failed at or never finished, and it forces me into thinking that I'm not good enough at anything. I often find myself feeling like a disappointment as a daughter, a bad friend, a no-talent designer who doesn't deserve that title, and just selfish or below average and mediocre at everything I do no matter how many compliments I receive. There are people in my life who rely too much on me emotionally, and it can feel like the weight of THEIR world is on my shoulders. I'm just feeling severely overwhelmed right now, and there are only very few things that are keeping me going...

I can only hope and work toward thinking that today is the beginning of another turning point. I joined Planet Fitness since they just opened a new location just a few minutes away from my apartment complex. My friends Liz and Alisa joined with me as well, so I'm hoping to have some workout buddies on occasion, BUT I know that I cannot rely on both of them to go and get my workouts in. I don't want to waste my money on an unused gym membership, so I MUST MAKE TIME TO GO.

I'm so tired of failing over and over again. My poor body feels terrible because I haven't been feeding it properly. I just want my clothes to fit again. I want my stomach not to go out further than my boobs at the end of the day. Why can't I just get off my ass and DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE? I just feel so stuck, and I'm the only person keeping me from getting anywhere..........