Monday, November 12, 2012

Day 202: Must Keep Fighting

The past few weeks have felt like an awful roller coaster, especially this past weekend. There have been moments of complete perfection full of joy and love and there have been hours of utter hopelessness, depression, and confusion.

I haven't REALLY worked out (with the exception of walking) for almost 2 weeks now, and my intake has been much less than stellar since my mom was put in the hospital. Multiple recent events have dragged my mood and me down, and I'm beginning to shut down like the old me used to when I got extremely stressed. I've found comfort in eating, and I find myself staring into space or just curling into a ball in the dark. This is who I was before I started this journey, and I refuse to be that person again. That wasn't really a person...it was a shell.

In the words of my favorite person, when I'm not feeling like myself and I'm feeling lost, I've got to take the initiative and the opportunity to reinvent myself. Now if I can just find the strength to get up and do it...

I know what I need to do, but wanting to do it is a whole other story these days. It's colder, I'm exhausted, and I lack discipline. With the end of daylight savings time, I've been making excuses and justifying not working out by blaming the lack of sunlight after work when I COULD always just wake up 2 hours earlier and get it done in the morning OR go to my apartment complex's gym right after work. Why won't I just go all Nike and DO IT?

Anyone who has known me for a long time knows that I am NOT a morning person. I've always been a night owl. Heck, it's already past 11 p.m. and I'm still awake even though I need to wake up at 6:45 to be ready in time for jury duty tomorrow morning. SOMETHING needs to change or all the hard work I've been doing within the past 202 days will be lost.

I was able to cook myself dinner for the first time in what seems like ages tonight, and it felt strangely liberating. I made chicken breasts with bell peppers, onion, broccoli, and zucchini in an Asian inspired sauce (lite soy sauce, rice vinegar, oyster sauce, garlic powder), and it turned out pretty tasty. I was able to walk 2.5 miles with Craig during my lunch break today also.

Luckily, I was able to lose the weight I gained when my mom was in the hospital, and I'm back at 134.8, but I know that my body is weakening because my effort has decreased. I can feel the difference in my moods as well, and I don't want to keep feeling like this. I know this can't happen. I just pray that some day SOON I will snap out of this and get my butt back into gear again.

 I'm down, but I am NOT defeated.